DashVibe

Three hours. This finale was three fucking hours long. I know I keep banging this drum, but it is simply unconscionable that we’re spending the same amount of time Christopher Nolan took to cover the full saga of America’s nuclear revolution on finding out whether the hot people will still want to kiss each other when their free vacation is over. And that was even without an “After the Final Rose” segment! I feel like that kid who was forced to eat the entire chocolate cake in Matilda. Bachelor in Paradise should be a sweet little treat, not a punishment for the sin of loving reality television!

It would be one thing if anything remotely interesting happened over the course of this entire prime-time block. But the format of BiP has gotten so prescriptive that it feels like recapping this episode in detail is unnecessary. The couples you think will get engaged get engaged. The couples who were coasting broke up. The only somewhat compelling tension is with Kylee and Aven, and it’s a conflict we’ve seen countless times: She wants to get engaged on TV, and he wants to just keep dating outside of the show.

That’s honestly the biggest problem I have with the current iteration of Bachelor in Paradise. It makes sense that The Bachelor(ette) (almost) always ends with a proposal. Those shows are presented as fairy-tale romances. BiP is just a fun romp at the beach! If people fall in love, great, but there wasn’t originally the pressure to get engaged that we see now. It was legitimately exciting when Tanner proposed to Jade on season two of Bachelor in Paradise because it was so unexpected that the bikini-fun times actually produced a lasting relationship. Then it became a built-in requirement to fully participate in the show, and that’s just a bummer. It means the finale forces conversations that would be more interesting to see come about organically.

See, for example, Jess’s decision to leave. I was very intrigued by the conversation Mercedes and Jess were having about trying to salvage their hot-girl summer. After Blake left, Jess mentioned that she didn’t know how to get dressed this morning because she didn’t have a boy to dress for. Oh my God! Has a sadder thing ever been said on this television program? It’s so relatable, though, and so very 24-year-old. The other wildly strange and sad moment for Jess is when Kat comes up to talk to her and she just says, “No.” Not, “I don’t wanna talk right now,” not “Leave me alone, bitch!” Just “No.” How much more compelling would it be to watch this last-day-of-camp dynamic play out for the remainder of Paradise? Instead, Jess leaves, followed by Tanner, because they know that Jesse Palmer will soon tell them that if they have no intention of getting engaged they’ll be booted out of Playa Escondida.

Before Jesse’s ultimatum, though, a number of pointless things happen. Our couples who will inevitably get engaged are awarded date cards. They’re about to go on Fantasy Suites! It’s so redundant that we don’t even see Kat and John Henry’s Fantasy Suite date! I was charmed by them on this paddleboard date, though; Kat reveals that she has a rough family situation and lived in a group home for a bit, which doesn’t excuse her combative and selfish behavior but does explain why she’s so defensive at times. John Henry talks about noticing how much she cares about her friends. I’ve been a Kat apologist from the beginning, so I was happy to see this softer side of her. I think these kids can make it work!

Our other soon-to-be-engaged couple, Aaron and Eliza, get the dreaded sweat-lodge date. We learn nothing new about their relationship. Moving on.

Notably, Kylee and Aven are without a date card. They’re at an impasse because she wants to get engaged, and Aven thinks they don’t know each other well enough to take that step. I believe they are both right and wrong here. Kylee’s argument that “if it’s not going to happen here, it’s not going to happen out there” makes no fucking sense. She says she bought a dress to get engaged in, and what she’s really saying is she wants to get engaged on TV. Aven’s response isn’t great either, though, as he angrily walks off and complains to himself (or, more accurately, the producer trailing him just off-camera) that “it’s always about a fucking ring.” They’re honestly both putting too much weight on what it means to get engaged on Bachelor in Paradise. He doesn’t even have to buy the ring! An engagement isn’t legally binding, especially when it’s the prize at the end of a TV show. The only difference between leaving the show engaged and leaving the show in a relationship is a free ring from Neil Lane.

But the show still insists that getting engaged onscreen is the only happy ending. To reinforce that, we have to sit through the wedding of Kenny and Mari, who got engaged on Bachelor in Paradise two years ago. I spent longer watching this episode than I did pushing my daughter out of my body, and we’re wasting time with a wedding between two people I forgot existed until they popped up onscreen (and even then had to be reminded of their names). Unacceptable! I doubt this is even legally binding; Kenny and Mari just had a big spread in People about their real wedding in Puerto Rico. The only narrative reason for this wedding is to get reactions from the current cast about how much they want to be married. We don’t need it!

I will say I do like this new tradition of a big finale party. Last year it was prom themed, which was more fun. This one is billed as a rave, but no one is on poppers and everyone is oppressively straight, so it’s more like a rave-themed costume party. But it’s also a reception for Kenny and Mari’s wedding? Anyway, it’s a smart move to get everyone together for an “event,” even if this one was too muddled to make much sense. Hopefully, next year they’ll go back to prom.

The next morning, Jesse drops the hammer. Everyone has to decide whether they’re going to head to Fantasy Suites, which means they’re considering engagement, or leave Paradise forever. This is what I mean about the whole framing being so artificial. It’s kind of like a game of chicken with production. They just have to say they’re “considering” getting engaged; that means nothing! I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t just say they’re considering it to stay on TV for as long as possible. I am very interested in what the conversations with producers are like. I wonder how they convince people to stay (or not!).

I have to imagine it wasn’t just Kylee trying to convince Aven that he should get engaged on TV. But he doesn’t budge, and Kylee decides she would rather leave with him than break up. That leaves Sam and Peter and Olivia and Michael, who each had situation-ship vibes, to relatively amicably part ways. It’s so uneventful the editors resort to playing a sad voice-over that was clearly recorded in a completely different context while Olivia drives away.

So that just leaves two couples heading to the Fantasy Suites. This format also means the last hour of the show is boring. The ultimatum pretty much ensures the couples that stay are going to get engaged, and as much as the editors try to seed, “John Henry’s gut says not to do it” or “Eliza’s freaking out!” we just don’t buy it. It’s a foregone conclusion when both couples get engaged.

Now, I’ve been very hard on this episode, but I’ll end on a positive. I LOVE this “where are they now” montage of updates that we get in lieu of a whole “After the Final Rose” special. This does everything that the hour-plus-long AtFR does in the span of less than a minute. We get a few little jokes ribbing our favorite contestants and learn that Aaron S. and Brayden almost died in a boat accident. We hear that Kylee and Aven are still dating, while Aaron and Eliza have “hit some speed bumps” and are “trying to figure things out.” Against all odds, Kat and John Henry are the only couple to end this season happily engaged. They’re moving to San Diego, the land of vaguely Republican influencers. I’m so happy for them.

We also get a montage of former Paradise couples getting married, having kids, and otherwise being happy. It’s like they’re staring out at us, insisting “this works!” through gritted teeth. Maybe so, but I don’t really care about these people’s actual lives once they leave my screen. I just want to be entertained. I don’t think that’s too much to ask from a television show.

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